Contemplation

Sometimes I wish life had a pause button. I would just pause until I figured out what I'm supposed to be doing, and who I am.

Seems like I have lost myself lately. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I'm 28 years old, and until recently I've always thought I knew who I was.

My relationship with God has grown so much over the past few months. My family and I regularly attend church. So why do I feel like I don't know what my purpose is? I'm listening and waiting for his guidance. I know he will guide me into the right direction in his time, but I can't help but wonder about things. What was I created for? Where do I belong?

The people who I thought cared about me don't seem to care about me at all. I love my husband, and children. I know they love me yet I feel as if I'm not worthy enough to deserve their love. Where is all this coming from? I went from a happy person to a confused person within a matter of a few days.

Is it stress? Am I overwhelmed? Is it because I'm trying to balance work, being a wife/mother, finding a house, and somewhere in between trying to do laundry clean and cook dinner. (Not to mention school, dance & gymnastics.) I've even had two panic attacks in the last week, that's not normal for me at all.

I've asked myself a thousand questions the past few days..... Am I a good wife? a good mother? A good friend? A good sister?

It seems as if I've put so much of myself into trying my hardest to be a good wife, and mother that I seemed to have lost myself. So where did I go? And how do I get the old me back?

I've picked up the phone a dozen times to call my grandmother, only to burst out into tears because for a split second I let myself forget just long enough to call.......only to remember that she's in heaven. I miss her, and I miss her wisdom & guidance.

Would she be proud of me? What advice would she give me right now?

People probably don't understand why I'm being so distant to everyone now. I deleted my Facebook, I rarely get on twitter. I'm just trying to figure me out, and I don't even know where to begin. I know one thing for certain I can't do it with all these distractions in my life.