Guilt

Yesterday I met up with one of my best friends in Mobile to see a movie.  After that I had to pick up some stuff to prepare dinner. I walked into Target and the amazing aroma lingering from Starbucks was so overwhelming that I thought '' I deserve it''. So I grabbed my favorite, and enjoyed it as I made my way through each aisle of Target. I paid for my items, and went to my truck. I made it to the first red light before I started crying. I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

Why? I had a great time with Katieanne, and I totally enjoyed every sip of my coffee. I didn't deserve to spend any money, I didn't deserve that coffee or that movie. That's money that I could have saved for our trip in July. A trip we are making so that I can keep my promise to my brother Jason. A promise I made to him just two hours after his death, and again at his funeral.

I snapchatted Katieanne and she told me I did deserve it, I work hard and I of all people deserve a little something for myself. She is by far one of the greatest friends I have ever had. She's been there for me through so much over the past year, and I am beyond grateful to call her my friend.

I came home and my husband was getting ready for his shift at work. I walked into our bedroom and told him and started crying again. He held me and told me how silly I was being. Truth is nobody will ever realize how much keeping this promise means to me. Yes, he's gone, but he will be with me every step, every mile of this trip. I absolutely cannot wait to stand on that Montana mountain side and take in the view that my brother had always wanted to see.

I've thought about blogging about his death for a while. I've typed it all out, read it and then hit the delete button. Truth is I've finally realized it may actually help me and get some of it off of my mind. People may read it, they may not. Either way I don't care because I'm doing this for me.

I have worked every shift possible, I have picked up extra shifts. I have gone almost two weeks without an off day.

Today I felt the love and support of my Husband and one of my best friends. This is going to be an amazing journey. A journey of love and hopefully healing.