Tuesday, March 29, 2016

A letter for Jason

When I went home for my brothers funeral, I stayed with our older brother John and his family. I knew I had to write something to read at Jason's funeral. I knew exactly where I wanted to go to do that. I went to Wal-Mart with my husband to purchase a notebook. I ended up picking out one that had a bright yellow Camaro on the cover, Jason would have approved of that.
We went back to John's house, but it didn't feel right. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I got into my Tahoe and drove out into the woods. The same woods where my two brothers and I grew up hunting in, cutting fire wood, and playing army. I sat there in my truck with the heat turned on, and the music turned off. It was just me and my thoughts on that cold night, and a sky filled with millions of beautiful stars. They seemed to shine so much brighter with tears in my eyes. Looking back now, there are things I wish I had said, or things I would have worded differently, but in retrospect I believe I did the best I could at the time.
Saturday February 14th; the day of his funeral, was also our nieces birthday. It still breaks my heart that we had to bury him on her birthday.
I was a total train wreck. I walked up to his casket, and I held his hand.
I didn't want to let go.
I didn't want to say goodbye.
I don't even remember how long I stood there talking to him, holding his hand but I know it wasn't near long enough. I could have stood there holding onto his hand for a hundred years and I still wouldn't have wanted to let go. I never wanted to let go, but I knew I had to. Watching my brother being lowered into the ground was by far the hardest day of my life.
So many times I had been to that church, so many important lessons learned there. So many joyous occasions that have left me with great memories.
I've tried to go back inside that church since his funeral, but I just can't.
During his service, they got to the part where I was supposed to stand up and read the letter I had written to my brother. In that moment there was no possible way I could find enough composure to stand in that church, with everyone and even be able to read one sentence. So my brave husband offered to go up and read it for me.
He stood up there in his uniform, and when he spoke it made it so much harder for me. His strong, brave, confident voice was so shaky, he had tears. My husband and my brother thought the world of each other, and that was always so important to me. Words cannot describe how extermly proud I am of my husband. He was strong when I was weak. He started by saying ''You may want to get your tissues ready''
The following was written by me on Friday  February 13th 2015
''I'm not sure where to begin or what to say. How does a little sister compress three decades into a few words?

When I was born I instantly had two brothers who would forever be my best friends.

Over the years we have had our highs, and we have had our lows. We made incredible memories, and we had epic fights. Still we grew stronger and closer. ...

Jason taught me how to fight, and how to forgive. I'm going to miss his blonde jokes. I'll miss him calling me Sasquatch. I'll miss him towering over me, looking down with that smile as he made fun of my height. I will miss his voice, his laughter and his amazing hugs.

I will never wonder if he loved me because he told me all the time.

You brought joy and laughter to everyone who had the privilege of knowing you. You were the best friend anyone could ask for. You were everything a father should be. You worked so hard to provide for your little family. You were an amazing husband to Joanna.

Joanna, please always remember the good times, and never forget that he was madly in love with you.

Cameron, please know your Daddy worshiped you. You were his little buddy. Aunt Jen loves you more than you can ever imagine. I'll always be there for you, no matter what.

Right now my heart is shattered into a billion pieces. I know that someday in the unforeseeable future God will give me peace with this.

From this day forward I will thrive to be a better person because of you.

One day I'll be able to look at a sunset and see you there.

I'll walk on the beach. I'll feel the sand and the waves. I'll think of our beach days together.

I'll take a breath of fresh air and feel you there.

I will laugh for you, and I'll cry for you.

I will live each day as if I'm living it for you.

I'll see a Camaro drive down the road, and I'll smile and think of you.

I'll hear a song and I'll think of you. I will sing along and dance so you can laugh at me in Heaven.

There's so much more I could say, but I'll leave you with two last promises.

The first being that I'll always be there for Cameron.

Second; I know your life long dream was to visit Montana. Someday I'll go there for you. I'll breathe in the fresh air, and stand on that Montana mountainside and just for you I'll yell out one heck of a ROLL TIDE!

Rest in peace my angel, my hero. You have your sisters heart forever.''
Little did I know at that time, but he really is with me still. I think of him when I'm at the beach. I still want to pick up the phone and call him just to hear his voice. I hear certain songs and I have to immediately change the radio otherwise I will uncontrollably cry. I see Camaro's as I drive and I think of him. I see him in my dreams, and for that I am so very thankful.
As much as my heart was broken and still is very much broken because of his death I still have such a deep love for him, I am so very grateful for the 30 years that God allowed him to be in my life.

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