Sometimes I wish life had a pause button. I would just pause until I figured out what I'm supposed to be doing, and who I am.
Seems like I have lost myself lately. I don't feel like I know who I am anymore. I'm 28 years old, and until recently I've always thought I knew who I was.
My relationship with God has grown so much over the past few months. My family and I regularly attend church. So why do I feel like I don't know what my purpose is? I'm listening and waiting for his guidance. I know he will guide me into the right direction in his time, but I can't help but wonder about things. What was I created for? Where do I belong?
The people who I thought cared about me don't seem to care about me at all. I love my husband, and children. I know they love me yet I feel as if I'm not worthy enough to deserve their love. Where is all this coming from? I went from a happy person to a confused person within a matter of a few days.
Is it stress? Am I overwhelmed? Is it because I'm trying to balance work, being a wife/mother, finding a house, and somewhere in between trying to do laundry clean and cook dinner. (Not to mention school, dance & gymnastics.) I've even had two panic attacks in the last week, that's not normal for me at all.
I've asked myself a thousand questions the past few days..... Am I a good wife? a good mother? A good friend? A good sister?
It seems as if I've put so much of myself into trying my hardest to be a good wife, and mother that I seemed to have lost myself. So where did I go? And how do I get the old me back?
I've picked up the phone a dozen times to call my grandmother, only to burst out into tears because for a split second I let myself forget just long enough to call.......only to remember that she's in heaven. I miss her, and I miss her wisdom & guidance.
Would she be proud of me? What advice would she give me right now?
People probably don't understand why I'm being so distant to everyone now. I deleted my Facebook, I rarely get on twitter. I'm just trying to figure me out, and I don't even know where to begin. I know one thing for certain I can't do it with all these distractions in my life.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Happy, & excited, but stressed!
- My husband has been a police officer for 26 years, and will be retiring in June. {Just 12 weeks away!}
- The past few weeks we have spent hours at night sorthing through real estate listings online.
- Seems like everytime we find one we LOVE, someone buys it before we can even go look at it.
- I know God has a plan for us, and I guess those other homes just weren't meant to be ours.
- Today I was so stressed out over it I felt excited, worried, stressed, freaked out, hyper, scared, worried, and about to vomit all at one time! Worst feeling ever!
- I've already started packing the non-essential items. I just can't believe we are about to move.
- We talked about it for so long and it always seemed so far away, and now its so close to happening that it's like I feel like a child waiting on Christmas to arrive!
- Any tips/suggestions do's/donts on the subject are greatly appreciated! Please feel free to post them!
Unexpected Blessings
I haven't been able to post anything in a while, or even read my friends blogs. I just felt like I needed to take a moment to remember all of the blessings God has given me. Seems like I've lost track of all reality since my beautiful grandmother passed away, and in that I have forgotten to be thankful for my blessings.
I had been working at an awful job where I would go into work at 4 in the afternoon, and if I was lucky I would get off at 1am. Most nights it was closer to 2:30 or three before I would get off work. Then I would have to get up the next morning and get my son ready pack his lunch and take him to school. I just felt awful all the time, drained, no energy what so ever!
I finally decided to just quit. I went two months without a job. I applied anywhere and everywhere I could. Then one day I was on Facebook scrolling through my news feed I saw a post from 24/7 Health & Fitness saying they were looking for Kidz Zone attendants, and to email to schedule an interview.
I went for two different interviews, hoping to just get a job as an attendant. They shocked me when the gave me the coordinator position! God is so good! I had prayed and asked him to help me find a job and its like it literally fell into my lap! (literally on my computer screen)
I started on November 5th, and I enjoy it so much. I work with babies three months old to children twelve years old. I have great hours for a mom who still has to tend to kids, keep up with a house, make dinners etc.
I am just so thankful for all the blessings I have been given.
I had been working at an awful job where I would go into work at 4 in the afternoon, and if I was lucky I would get off at 1am. Most nights it was closer to 2:30 or three before I would get off work. Then I would have to get up the next morning and get my son ready pack his lunch and take him to school. I just felt awful all the time, drained, no energy what so ever!
I finally decided to just quit. I went two months without a job. I applied anywhere and everywhere I could. Then one day I was on Facebook scrolling through my news feed I saw a post from 24/7 Health & Fitness saying they were looking for Kidz Zone attendants, and to email to schedule an interview.
I went for two different interviews, hoping to just get a job as an attendant. They shocked me when the gave me the coordinator position! God is so good! I had prayed and asked him to help me find a job and its like it literally fell into my lap! (literally on my computer screen)
I started on November 5th, and I enjoy it so much. I work with babies three months old to children twelve years old. I have great hours for a mom who still has to tend to kids, keep up with a house, make dinners etc.
I am just so thankful for all the blessings I have been given.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
A Time for Everything
I'll start this post with my favorite bible verse, which was read at her funeral on Sunday.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
I take great comfort in these words. Because I know our separation is only temporary.
If I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of the fireplace, I can hear her favorite PBS programs on the TV, Nancy's Notions, Julia Child, Nature, This Old House, etc.
I can still remember the feel of the crisp clean sheets on the bed in the spare bedroom. I can remember her peeking through the door to check if I was awake. Then I would jump out of bed and a chill would run up my spine as my feet hit the hardwood floors.
I remember the crackling of the fire as she worked to get it going. I remember the sizzle of the cast iron skillet as she prepared breakfast for the two of us. If I close my eyes I can still hear the dogs toenails as she paced the hardwoods. Nights spent in that house with her were the best.
I can remember Saturdays spent in Ashville paying bills running errands and making a quick pit stop to any yard sale we would pass by. I remember Sunday mornings spent at Mountain Top Flea Market.
I can remember my favorite thing to do with her, she had dozens and dozens of rings. I would walk into her bedroom, pull out the little drawer of the jewelry box and carry it in the den. I would take each ring out one by one and admire it. I would ask her where she got it or who gave them to her, and she without missing a beat could tell you who gave it to her, and on what occasion, or where she purchased it.
I remember a childhood trip to the Smokey Mountains in which she sat next to me in the car, singing along to the familiar country songs as they drifted out of the car speakers.
I remember the taste of her homemade vegetable soup, there's none like it in the world. The taste of her Dilly Dally Onion Rings, her ''Nanny Tea'' and her famous fudge. All of these things have had their time, and now only remain in my memories. My heart aches, it aches because I want to feel the warmth of her hugs, or the softness of her voice on the other end of the phone. I've played the voicemail's shes left me at least a dozen times. I know she wouldn't want me to cry for her, I know more than anything she wouldn't want that.
She was the one I would run to as a child when I would fall down and get hurt or be heartbroken over a boy as a teenager. She was my rock, she was the one person I could talk to about anything. Where do I stand now that my rock is gone? We all need someone in life, a very special someone who we have a relationship with like no other. Few of us ever find that person, and even less realize they have someone so special. But what do we do when they are gone?
I can imagine her walking barefoot on a beach with her blue jeans rolled past her ankles, with Papaw by her side. Just like in the photo I have of the two of them together. I can imagine how happy they both are to finally be together again. I can imagine them both looking down on all of us, their hearts filled with love and a huge smile on their faces. I can hear her voice say ''don't cry sweetheart, it's okay''
I look around and there are reminders of her everywhere, whether it be a photo of her or a pair of earrings, a book on the shelf, a afghan she made sitting on a shelf in the closet, a scarf, a shawl, a dress in Shelby's closet, a watch in Colt's room, a ring on my finger, a framed photo in the hallway. Everywhere I look there are reminders of her love for us. Although I cry, I am grateful for all these things. I am grateful for my 27 plus years that I was blessed to share my life with her. I hope that someday I can be as good of a Nanny as she was.
Rest in Peace Nanny, I'll never forget you.
Ruth Emily Smith Bevel
August 29,1937 - December 19,2012
A few photos I found on my computer...........
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
I take great comfort in these words. Because I know our separation is only temporary.
If I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of the fireplace, I can hear her favorite PBS programs on the TV, Nancy's Notions, Julia Child, Nature, This Old House, etc.
I can still remember the feel of the crisp clean sheets on the bed in the spare bedroom. I can remember her peeking through the door to check if I was awake. Then I would jump out of bed and a chill would run up my spine as my feet hit the hardwood floors.
I remember the crackling of the fire as she worked to get it going. I remember the sizzle of the cast iron skillet as she prepared breakfast for the two of us. If I close my eyes I can still hear the dogs toenails as she paced the hardwoods. Nights spent in that house with her were the best.
I can remember Saturdays spent in Ashville paying bills running errands and making a quick pit stop to any yard sale we would pass by. I remember Sunday mornings spent at Mountain Top Flea Market.
I can remember my favorite thing to do with her, she had dozens and dozens of rings. I would walk into her bedroom, pull out the little drawer of the jewelry box and carry it in the den. I would take each ring out one by one and admire it. I would ask her where she got it or who gave them to her, and she without missing a beat could tell you who gave it to her, and on what occasion, or where she purchased it.
I remember a childhood trip to the Smokey Mountains in which she sat next to me in the car, singing along to the familiar country songs as they drifted out of the car speakers.
I remember the taste of her homemade vegetable soup, there's none like it in the world. The taste of her Dilly Dally Onion Rings, her ''Nanny Tea'' and her famous fudge. All of these things have had their time, and now only remain in my memories. My heart aches, it aches because I want to feel the warmth of her hugs, or the softness of her voice on the other end of the phone. I've played the voicemail's shes left me at least a dozen times. I know she wouldn't want me to cry for her, I know more than anything she wouldn't want that.
She was the one I would run to as a child when I would fall down and get hurt or be heartbroken over a boy as a teenager. She was my rock, she was the one person I could talk to about anything. Where do I stand now that my rock is gone? We all need someone in life, a very special someone who we have a relationship with like no other. Few of us ever find that person, and even less realize they have someone so special. But what do we do when they are gone?
I can imagine her walking barefoot on a beach with her blue jeans rolled past her ankles, with Papaw by her side. Just like in the photo I have of the two of them together. I can imagine how happy they both are to finally be together again. I can imagine them both looking down on all of us, their hearts filled with love and a huge smile on their faces. I can hear her voice say ''don't cry sweetheart, it's okay''
I look around and there are reminders of her everywhere, whether it be a photo of her or a pair of earrings, a book on the shelf, a afghan she made sitting on a shelf in the closet, a scarf, a shawl, a dress in Shelby's closet, a watch in Colt's room, a ring on my finger, a framed photo in the hallway. Everywhere I look there are reminders of her love for us. Although I cry, I am grateful for all these things. I am grateful for my 27 plus years that I was blessed to share my life with her. I hope that someday I can be as good of a Nanny as she was.
Rest in Peace Nanny, I'll never forget you.
Ruth Emily Smith Bevel
August 29,1937 - December 19,2012
A few photos I found on my computer...........
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| Nanny and Colt at Noccalula Falls 2011 |
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| Nanny at Shelby's 3rd Birthday party 2011 |
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| Christmas 2009 |
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| Nanny and Shelby Easter 2010 |
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| At Colt & Shelby's birthday party in 2010 |
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| One of my favorite pictues of them May 2010 |
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| May 2010 |
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| September 2012 |
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| Nanny Thanksgiving 2012 |
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| Nanny at Colt's birthday party 2011 Huntsville Depot |
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thankful for my blessings
Today I am thankful for God, my husband and my children. Without them I wouldn't be where I am today.
My husband has been by my side for over seven years, through thick and thin. I can't put into words how wonderful he is to me and our children. I'm thankful for his good work ethic, and determination to always provide for his family.
I'm thankful for my son, and my daughter. They are my little miracle babies, the ones I thought I would never have. God is so good, he always knows what we need and exactly when to give it to us. His timing was perfect. These two little bundles of joy bring me so much happiness and love. They fill my life with laughter and good memories. I would do anything for them. Some days they can be more than a handful, but still I wouldn't trade a single second of our time with them for anything in this world. Each day goes by and I feel like there is no possible way I could love them anymore than I do, yet they always find away to make sure my heart is overflowing with love for them and from them. There is nothing comparable to the love of a child.
I am forever thankful, because I know at any moment any of these things could be gone. I cherish every second of every day that God lets me share with my family.
My husband has been by my side for over seven years, through thick and thin. I can't put into words how wonderful he is to me and our children. I'm thankful for his good work ethic, and determination to always provide for his family.
I'm thankful for my son, and my daughter. They are my little miracle babies, the ones I thought I would never have. God is so good, he always knows what we need and exactly when to give it to us. His timing was perfect. These two little bundles of joy bring me so much happiness and love. They fill my life with laughter and good memories. I would do anything for them. Some days they can be more than a handful, but still I wouldn't trade a single second of our time with them for anything in this world. Each day goes by and I feel like there is no possible way I could love them anymore than I do, yet they always find away to make sure my heart is overflowing with love for them and from them. There is nothing comparable to the love of a child.
I am forever thankful, because I know at any moment any of these things could be gone. I cherish every second of every day that God lets me share with my family.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Subtle reminders
Something so sad happened when I was checking out at the grocery store. The man in front of me had an injury of some kind and his left side/arm/hand constantly shakes. (I assume it was an injury due to the scars.)
He had trouble picking up his bags and placing them in his cart, as well as trouble with counting out his cash. The cashier offered no help with putting his bags in his cart, and stood there watching as he struggled.
There were about five or six people in line behind me and several had rude comments on how slow he was. People take things for granted all too often. You never know tomorrow you could be facing the same struggles he is facing today.
He was a sweet and handsome man, and deserves just as much respect as anyone else in this world. There's no reason to treat people the way people do now. It literally makes me want to cry. I hope whatever his situation, whatever has happened to him that he has someone at home or in his life to let him know that he is loved in this world.
I wish I had done something to help him, but I didnt' want to offend him. I just couldn't find any words. I think in a way that this was a subtle reminder from God, a reminder to be thankful for everything I have. I'm always thankful for my family and friends, but its the simple things I forget to be thankful for like my good health.
God bless this stranger! I pray for the ignorant ones who laugh at him.
''kindness is free''
He had trouble picking up his bags and placing them in his cart, as well as trouble with counting out his cash. The cashier offered no help with putting his bags in his cart, and stood there watching as he struggled.
There were about five or six people in line behind me and several had rude comments on how slow he was. People take things for granted all too often. You never know tomorrow you could be facing the same struggles he is facing today.
He was a sweet and handsome man, and deserves just as much respect as anyone else in this world. There's no reason to treat people the way people do now. It literally makes me want to cry. I hope whatever his situation, whatever has happened to him that he has someone at home or in his life to let him know that he is loved in this world.
I wish I had done something to help him, but I didnt' want to offend him. I just couldn't find any words. I think in a way that this was a subtle reminder from God, a reminder to be thankful for everything I have. I'm always thankful for my family and friends, but its the simple things I forget to be thankful for like my good health.
God bless this stranger! I pray for the ignorant ones who laugh at him.
''kindness is free''
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Scarecrow Trail at Huntsville Botanical Gardens
Each year for fall Huntsville Botanical Gardens puts together ''Scarecrow Trail'' various businesses, schools, groups etc. get together and make a scarecrow for the trail. It's always fun to go to the Botanical Gardens, we go multiple times a year.
Fall is always extra fun though, we get to see all the creativity and hard work that is put into each scarecrow. This years theme was ''traditonal''
So one day Making Connections got together to set up the Autism Awareness Scarecrow. I don't get to be as involved with the group as I would like to be, and I was off the day they were setting up so I decided to go. Debbie did a fantastic job with the design. It's hair was spray painted and it had cute little iron on puzzle pieces all over it's overalls.
It turned out to be such a cute scarecrow too! After that my friend Whitney, my daughter and I all enjoyed a lunch at Clementine's at the Gardens. Then we took a short tour around the gardens, skipping most of the different sections of the gardens. It was so hot that day, and I had to pick up my little man from school so we were rushed for time.
Fall is always extra fun though, we get to see all the creativity and hard work that is put into each scarecrow. This years theme was ''traditonal''
So one day Making Connections got together to set up the Autism Awareness Scarecrow. I don't get to be as involved with the group as I would like to be, and I was off the day they were setting up so I decided to go. Debbie did a fantastic job with the design. It's hair was spray painted and it had cute little iron on puzzle pieces all over it's overalls.
It turned out to be such a cute scarecrow too! After that my friend Whitney, my daughter and I all enjoyed a lunch at Clementine's at the Gardens. Then we took a short tour around the gardens, skipping most of the different sections of the gardens. It was so hot that day, and I had to pick up my little man from school so we were rushed for time.
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| Whitney working on the hair. |
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| Little Miss Sassy working on his ''stuffing'' |
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| After it was all finished |
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How cool is this? I love the sunflowers, they add a nice touch!  |
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| Giant Lilly pads in the water garden. |
If you've never been you really should make plans to go. Fall is the perfect time, the weather is cooler, the leaves are changing and who doesn't love scarecrows?
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